I can’t believe it’s December. This year has been a whirlwind like no other. Eric and I were crying with laughter after dropping the kids off at daycare this morning. Instead of Christmas music, we heard Thriller on the radio and it felt way more appropriate to us (also, we still have some Halloween décor sprinkled about our Christmas decorations because that is how I roll these days).
Multiple times each day multiple people are talking to me at once. My phone is usually buzzing for some reason or another. And, our cat has developed an uncanny sense of meowing for attention right as I’m hitting my tipping point. To be fair, her odds are pretty good.
I’ve struggled with post-partum anxiety all year. Though my OB knows me well enough that she asked if it is really post-election anxiety. And I think the two have converged in a want-to-fix-the-world-for-everyone-but-definitely-for-these-kids-of-mine panic that I am having to really work to manage.
I remember after our second miscarriage telling you that, since we suspected something was wrong from the beginning, that I didn’t have to do the work I did the first time. Well, that was both naive and a lie. I had to do a ton of re-work figuring out how to not blame myself, to trust my body and to not hate people who look at their spouse and end up with a perfectly healthy pregnancy and baby. But we got there and Sean is the most amazing result.
That’s what this year has been. It’s been work. It’s been extra work at a time that I don’t really have time for extra work. I keep thinking I’m rounding the corner and something stupid happens to pull me back under. I’ve been pulling out some tactics from our periods of grief. Limiting social media. Cutting back a ton of external expectations. Keeping work at work. Etc. Etc. But truthfully, the stressors are just too fast and too loud. They’re still getting the better of me and I definitely still have work to do.
Recently this has meant that I have started my own version of Oprah-therapy listening to the Super Soul Sunday podcast on my way home from work. I’ve been trying to control what I can and am making our home more environmentally friendly and minimalistic (less things to manage is hopefully going to mean less stress). I’m trying to stop, savor and soak in these boys because oh my lord they are growing so fast. And, I’m trying to be heartened by the many friends I have who are of like-mind and values. Everyone is doing more, speaking out and coming to the table.
Knitting, writing, a good cup of tea and some candles.
Deep breaths. This is a wild time of year these next couple weeks but we can do it. Hope that you and the boys are having a magical holiday season.